19 April, 2010

The Other Goodkind Press Release

New York, NY – Monday, April 19, 2010 – Tor Books is proud to announce the return of New York Times bestselling author Terry Goodkind to their list. We mean this literally, having Terry come crawling back is such sweet sweet vengeance. The first book in the 3-book deal will be a new Richard and Kahlan novel, due in early 2011. These things are pretty much like crack and sell themselves. And, given that Terry copy/pastes about 30% of any new novel from his previous work, we might even be able to manage a late 2010 release. Richard and Kahlan are the principle (sic) characters from his previous New York Times bestselling books. We ask that readers construe the word 'book' liberally in this case. The rumors that The Law of Nines is being used as toiled paper in some regions is assuredly not true.

“We are excited to publish Terry Goodkind again,” says Tom Doherty, President and Publisher of Tor Books. “Millions of people delight in the novels of Richard and Kahlan and eagerly await the continuation of their story. How Terry plans on managing that, given how he ended the series, I have no idea. A virtually omnipotent protagonist is just a poor start to mark the beginning of the next series." Twenty five million copies of Goodkind’s 12-book series have been sold worldwide and have been translated into more than 20 languages. A television series adaptation of the novels, titled Legend of the Seeker, produced by ABC Studios and broadcast via syndication, first aired on November 1, 2008 and is now in its second season. We will refrain from any comments as to the actual quality of the series for legal reasons. The Sword of Truth is one of the most successful series ever published in the fantasy field. Crack.

Said Goodkind, “I’m thrilled to be back with Tor to tell more stories of Richard and Kahlan. Admire my beard." Terry also asks readers to ignore the fact that he jumped ship, leaving Tor to try and cast himself as a 'mainstream' author of 'thrillers'. Crawling back, he says, has been a humbling experience for his super-massive ego.

ABOVE IS THE OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE SPLICED FOR FLAVOR WITH MY OWN WITTICISMS (IN RED), OR LACK THEREOF. THIS MEANS THAT NOTHING IN RED IS ACTUALLY IN THE PRESS RELEASE. 

TERRY, IF YOU SPEND AS MUCH TIME GROOMING YOUR BEARD IN THE MORNING AS YOU DO WRITING ACTUAL PLOT, AND NOT PSEUDO-PHILOSOPHICAL TIRADES, I PROMISE TO GIVE YOUR NEXT BOOK AN HONEST SHOT. DON'T LET YOUR DECIDEDLY CRANKY FANS DOWN. NEW SWORD OF TRUTH BOOKS ARE JUST NOT SOMETHING I CAN SAY NO TO.

5 comments:

JD said...

more Richard and Kahlan? kindly turn into anti-matter.

Tia Nevitt said...

That was great! Thanks for a lunchtime chuckle!

Alec said...

@ JD

Heh, I will read it. I mean, it 11 books so far? Might as well do another three...

@ Tia

Heh, thanks, it was fun to write too.

Tracy said...

I enjoyed the fun you had with that news release. My husband has read maybe 3 books of the Sword of Truth series. He said it had both good and bad things about it. Goodkind must have some appeal to have sold so many books though.

T.D. Newton said...

This was hilarious, especially since I read it in Reader (so I didn't have red-marked sections). Nice one.